I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy last September 19, 2008.  Enrico Javier Carlos Perez seen the outside world at 12:30am of the said date.  I disregarded the excruciating pain, the epidural anesthesia that stung my vertebra, I am almost naked in front of unfamiliar people inside the labor and the delivery room, the pain of the catheterization, the fear of being alone and everything that was new to me.  I didn’t mind that at all because inside my mind, all I think about was to see my baby boy.

The nine months of carrying him inside my body, the frequent urination and vomiting that accompanies the pregnancy state was worth the wait.  The moment I heard him cry was really unexplainable.  All the pain washed instantly by the excitement of seeing the little angel that came out from my body.  When I saw him moved and cried for the first time, my tears just came out from my eyes.  No words came out from my mouth.  I can’t believe that my own flesh and blood was in front of me.

Now, my little angel is already six months.  Javi has many funny antics that he alone only knows the meaning.  I already passed the sleeplessness nights just to fed and watch him sleep.  Until now, I can’t believe that I am already a mother.  I am starting to feel the fear that my mother used to feel when I was growing.  I am starting to wonder what my son would be in the future.  If he would be a responsible and good person, a professional or he would become a person that I fear.  But I would do anything to watch him grow until such time that he can take care of himself.  I remember someone told me that I would be a cool mom.  And yes, I know I am now.

It was my first time in Boracay.  Supposed to be my second time but i chose Cebu instead of this place three years ago.  The thought of the huge crowd and swarming people all over the place changed my mind and went to Cebu instead.  I wasn’t disappointed.  I lived like a queen for two days in Shangri - La, Mactan, Cebu. Hehehe… The reason why I was in Bora last March 28 was to witness the wedding of Laz and Kan. Wow. One of the best weddings I attended in my entire life.  Full of love, family who rocks (yeah both Kan and Laz’s family were cool), friends who really supported them, witnessed and shared happiness on their special day.  All made an effort to flew to Boracay just to attend their wedding.  The fear of the small plane (damn plane that still uses propeller) scared the hell out of me, the small runway of Caticlan airport, the heat of the sun, annoying people inside the plane who doesn’t care if they bothered other people, Aling Gloria who made all the flights delayed because of her arrival, but still, all of these erased when I saw the white sand, clear blue sky and clear water of the island.  It was really worth my money (well, technically not my money.  Eric paid for everything), my effort and my patience.  Eric forgot to bring his SLR so we ended up using the digicam and my phone for photo shoots.  So glad, Jojo brought his, I had good shots… We toured the island, I chickened out when Edward asked me to try the banana boat and the fly fish but I what I really wanted to try was Para Sailing.  Wasn’t able to do that either.  Maybe next time.

Wait, I’ll finish this blog later. Eric keeps on calling me.  I need to go home.  Sucks. Bigtime.

What an experience!  We were very surprised when Ms. Tinz Tuliao, staff of Unang Hirit called me and invited Fairy Cupcakes to be featured in their show last February 2, 2009.  Their theme is affordable and edible gifts for this coming Valentines.  They informed us to showcase our products primarily the Cupquets and Cupkets.  Ms. Lyn Ching interviewed me while my assistant Rap Rap Bondal demonstrates how to create lovely cupquets.  One of our creation, the red rose cupquet was used as price for the dating/love game segment won by Ms. Rich Asuncion. Other stores featured are Kink Cakes (known for their edible undies and humurous cakes. Mr. Carlos was really nice), Naomi’s Kitchen and others.

Thanks for Unang Hirit especially the host and the staffs.  They are really nice and approachable.  Thanks UH!!!

I witnessed a hit and run
accident. I was inside a taxi with Eric when
I noticed that there was some commotion ahead of us. I know there was something going on because I
saw “uzizeros” swarming the scene. Others parked their cars just to view what it
was. Out of curiosity I asked the taxi driver what was it and he said there was
an accident. I said to myself maybe it was another motorcycle accident. I
always heard on the news and read on the newspapers how motorcycle accidents
are very rampant in the country. But when we passed the scene, I couldn’t believe
what I saw. I was speechless. I felt my stomach went upside down literally and I
wanted to throw up. There on the other side of the road, I saw a lifeless woman
lying face down covered with blood all over her body. Her knees were broken I saw
her femur bone outside her thigh and I knew if I check more I could see her
broken skull. I don’t know what I felt at that very moment. I wanted to say
something but I just couldn’t move my mouth. All I could do was to cover my maw
with awe and continuously gulping all my saliva until my mouth becomes dry. I don’t
know what Eric’s reaction was when he saw the mishap. The taxi driver kept on
talking and talking about the accident. He said it was a hit and run and about
ten meters after we left the scene we saw the pair of slippers of the victim. I
just couldn’t believe it. The impact was very strong and the woman was dragged
ten meters away from the original source of impact. We saw shattered glass all
over the place but we couldn’t find the vehicle that hit the victim. I felt
sorry for her. I meant, I felt sorry for her family. She was killed in an
instant. Without a word, without any warning that she will be dying soon. She didn’t
have the time to say goodbye to her family. I couldn’t let go of her image
inside my head. It crossed my mind what if it was me? What if I am that
careless and crossed the road without even noticing the fast cars that
approaching? What if it was me who was lying alone, in a miserable look? I don’t
know why this thing is happening to me. I am tough. I know I am very tough. I lost
count how many dying patients I attended in the hospital. I also had
experienced a patient died in my arms while reviving him. I could stand to
watch those gruesome, violent and horrible movies without feeling anything. But
that incident made a big impact in me. After seeing that, it came to my senses
that I should be more careful. I should love my life. I must admit, I am one of
those citizens who don’t follow the rules sometimes. I crossed EDSA when I was
working in Honda Caloocan when there was an overpass to use. I drink and then I
drive. I am stupid. I have a life but I seem to care less for this precious time
given by god. When I got home, I immediately went to my parents’ room and I found
my mother playing solitaire and my dad was already sleeping. Without any word, I
embraced my mom. I embraced her like I never done that before and I started
crying. She asked my why. I just told her, I am lucky to be home and saw them
and talk to them and I am lucky that I am alive…   

It’s been a while when I last wrote something here in this blog.  I stopped writing to give my self some breathing space, to reflect and to do other things that I think should have  been attended first than wasting my time writing or fighting for nothing.  Writing is one of my passion.  I could tell all my deepest thoughts, my opinion and sometimes my anger through writing.  But then again, I stopped.  Some of my “fans” who happen to browse my blog everyday asked me why I didn’t post anything the past days.  They were accustomed to view it and find something new everyday.  But it’s been months when I last posted writing.  The truth is I had some reflection.  It’s like a sort of one on one session with my self.  Thinking what should I do with my life.  I am facing the biggest leap on my existence.  I don’t know if I could handle the pressure that this forthcoming event is giving me.  Though I look okay outside, but deep down in me I am confused.  I am confused because I don’t know what will happen next.  What would I become after this?  Can I handle all the pressure?  There are so many questions and hesitation arises but still, I continue to live and face all this.  I keep on doing things that should be done but it seems like situations happened whenever you least expect it.  It is like you thought everything is okay but only to find out that everything is not in place.  You expect everything to be perfect but in the end you would realize it will never be.  What was inside your mind, everything you picture that suppose to happen will never come true.  I don’t know what’s happening in me.  I am perplexed and kept on asking myself over and over if I am doing the right thing.  But again, I told myself I am doing the right thing.  Not everyone has the chance to be married.  And God gave me this one chance and I know I should grab this opportunity.  God gave this man to be with me for the rest of my life and I know god really knows what is best for me.  I know this because I experienced it.  Not only once that god gave me a sign when to keep a person or to let it loose.  He knows who and what would hurt me and he would make a way to let them go.  Though sometimes it’s harsh but in the end it’s for my own good.  I know this feeling of confusion will pass and it’s normal.  These dilemmas will go away and everything will be perfect and okay until that time that I am walking down that aisle…

You and I met
six years ago. I was in a relationship
then and you were just a care free, a happy go lucky guy enjoying your
unattached life. I was only twenty one
then and you were twenty six. We are
both enjoying our very own lives during those times and it never occurred to my
mind that we will be getting involved with one another. I always wished for a
man to be like my father. And god really
made a way to meet the man of my dreams and I never thought that it would you. I thought you were just a friend, an office
mate, and a person who just keep me happy during work. You were there when I broke up with my
boyfriend. You were there to cheer me up when I was down. You were there to treat me right when I felt
I was all alone and wanted to end my life because of love aches and office
dilemmas. You became my knight in shining
armor. You were the one to help me stand
again and made me realize how beautiful life is. After several months of courtship, we became
officially involve on June 4, 2001. The first year of our relationship was put
into the test. Sadly, it was me who
became the bitch. I treated you so
badly. I never realized all the good things you have done for me. You were too good for me. We broke up and separated for a number of
months. But after some time thinking of
being alone and crushed down by those heartless beasts lurking our planet, I
realized how stupid of me letting you go. How I am became a monster by treating you like a fool. And when I had the courage to talk to you and
asked you for forgiveness and reconciliation, you accepted me without a word,
without even making harsh comments, without asking any questions. I know what I did to you was really awful but
still, you accepted me. After that I
realized how lucky I am for having you in my life. Though you are not perfect but still I could
never ask for anyone who could replace you in my existence. No one could be just like you. You are so considerate, so understanding, you
love me for being who I am. You love the
whole me without looking for my flaws, my imperfection, my faults. And after five and a half years of being
steady you decided to spend the rest of your life with me. I know you are trying to give me everything
that could make me happy. You just don’t
know how joyful I am when you asked me to marry you. Though I have doubts on the back of my mind
but still I know I am very lucky for you to be my future husband. I wish you will not change. We will build our own family and I will be
just here, loving you and taking care of you for the rest of our lives…

bertdey ng nanay ko saka tatay ko. galing nga ng bday nila eh. ewan ko kung pinag usapan nila nung nagliligawan pa lang sila. ang tatay ko january 12 and nanay ko naman january 14. so, nagcelebrate sila ng bday nilang dalawa january 13 para salubong daw. ayun, nandoon sila sa bahay ng mga pinsan ko para magpakasawa sa alak. bumabaha ang beer, champagne, brandy at kung ano - ano pang alcohol. marami ding pulutan. saya nga ng mga kapitbahay namin. may libre silang hapunan. kahit yung mga hindi namin kilala nakikain din. pero ayos lang. di naman kami madamot. pakainin ang mga nagugutom. sayang nga naman kung mapanis ang mga pagkain. 60th birthday ng tatay ko. usapan namin nung isang taon swimming party kaso di natuloy. ayaw na niya. yung gagastusin daw sa berdey niya gamitin na lang daw sa pagpapagawa ng bahay namin. pagbigyan. ibigay ang hilig. nanay ko naman 59 na. next year siya naman ang mag - 60. ang saya lang. kasi nakakasama ko pa sila. kami ng ate ko. naipapadama pa namin sa kanila kung gaano sila kaimportante sa amin. kung gaano namin sila kamahal. nararanasan pa nila ang mga kaginhawahan sa buhay. they deserve it. after all they had been through. from rags to… rags ang kuwento ng buhay namin… heheeh..dating katulong ang nanay ko, tatay ko taga alaga ng baboy / karpintero / latero at marami pang slash. pero hindi ko iyon kinakahiya. actually proud pa ako sa kanila. dahil ang dating katulong at tagapag - alaga ng baboy ay naipagpatapos sa kolehiyo ang mga anak nila. pareho kami ng ate ko na graduate ng college. dahil iyon sa kanilang pagsisikap. kundi dahil sa mga sakripisyo nila sa amin wala kami ngayon sa kinalalagyan namin. hindi ko nararanasan ang ganito. wala sana sa amerika ang ate ko kung hindi sila nagsikap. hindi sana ako nakapagtrabaho. saka super bow ako sa galing nilang magpalaki ng mga anak. talagang lumaki kami ng ate na nasa tamang landas although meron akong mga kalokohan. ang ate ko ang anghel pero di talaga mawawala sa pamilya ang black sheep. so alam nyo na siguro kung sino iyon. pero minimal lang naman ang mga katarantaduhan ko. pero dahil sa nahihiya ako sa kanila, ibinigay ko ang nag - iisang hiling nila sa akin. ang magtapos ako ng kolehiyo. and i am proud to say na nakapagtapos ako without failing grade. ay meron pala. punyetang p.e. yan. kaya naman lahat ng kaya naming ibigay na makapagpapasaya sa kanila ay ginagawa namin. hindi man kami mayaman, mayroon naman akong masaya at kumpletong pamilya. iyon lang kayamanan na sa akin. walang ibang makakapantay doon. hindi ko kailangan ang mga materyal na bagay kung hindi ko naman mai - share sa kanila.
nanay… tatay…. hindi ko ho madalas na masabi sa inyo… pero sana po alam ninyo kung gaano ko kayo kamahal. i love you nay, tay. mahal na mahal ko po kayo…

pakiramdam ko parang nagsa - somersault ang sikmura ko. bukas kasi pupunta kami ng simbahan ni eric. kilala nyo siya? ah, siya nga pala mapapangasawa ko. nagpropose na siya last year nung ika - 5th year anniversary namin. wala na ako magawa eh. sayang ang singsing puwede pa namang isangla sa oras ng kagipitan. saka akala ko katulad iyon ng singsing ni frodo na puwede akong maging invisible kapag suot ko ehek! mali. yun nga, pupunta na kami ng simbahan bukas sa san agustin para magpa book ng date ng kasal. parang pakiramdam ko eto na ba talaga? para kasing hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. parang napakabilis pa rin. parang kelan lang naglalandian lang kaming dalawa tapos ngayon nagpe prepara na kami para sa pagpapasakal ay, pagpapakasal pala. mahirap din pala ang ganoon. kahit na matagal pa ang date ng kasal namin nakakapressure na rin mag ayos. tulad ng gusto kong date. fully booked na doon sa first choice namin na simbahan kaya napunta kami sa san agustin. ang mahal! magmamartsa ka lang na suot ang pagkainit - init na trahe de boda magbabayad ka pa ng beinte mil. sabi ko nga ke eric sa kasalang bayan na lang tuwing valentine’s day. libre na ang dami mo pang kasabay saya di ba? pero ayaw niya. ako naman praktikal lang. sabi ko nga perahin na lang niya kung gusto niya akong pasayahin. hehehe.. saka alam nyo parang ang daming nababago sa akin. nagiging emosyonal ako kahit sa mumunting bagay. ang dami - daming nagtatakbuhang rason sa utak ko. ang daming bakit? ang daming dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. sabagay enero pa lang naman. meron pa akong labing isang buwan para magprepara at magnilay nilay. nawa’y habang daan sa paghihintay ng panibagong kabanata sa buhay ko, walang mga kabuwisitan na dumating. dahil kung meron man tiyak na handa akong makipagpatayan
nga pala.. pauna pa lang ito. maraming kasunod na experiences tungkol sa paghahanda ng pagpapasakal. hindi pa masyadong nakakagulat ito kasi umpisa pa lang pero siguradong marami pang mangyayari. hintay lang

hinto muna tayo sa usapang college. nawalan kasi ako ng ganang magsulat. di ko maintindihan. sabi nga ng nanay ko hindi ka maiintindihan ng lahat ng tao. meron silang iba’t - ibang mga pananawaw at pag - iisip. masuwerte ka kung meron silang malawak na at malalim na pag - intindi pero kung natiyempuhan ka ng mga sira - ulong walang magawa at pakiramdam nila ay sila na ang magaling, pagpasensiyahan mo nalang. tutal bagong taon naman sabi ko sa sarili huwag ko ng patulan. sayang ang oras at lakas. maulol lang ako. mas napakarami kong dapat intindihin kesa sa kanila. basura na nga ang ugali nabubuhay pa sila sa bulok na sistema. kung baga sa pulitiko parang mga trapo. dapat ang mga nakaraan ibinabaon na sa limot iyan. inilulublob sa kumukulong putik at hindi na pinag - uusapan pa. diyosko, sa totoo lang ang mga nakaraan ko halos di ko na maalala. sino sino na nga ba sila?  hindi naman kasi ako nagseryoso. parang laro lang. kumbaga dumaan lang. kasama talaga sa paglaki iyon. kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit maraming nagre - react kapag may mga pinopost ako dito sa blog ko. akala ng lahat para sa kanila iyon. maraming guilty?  nakakatawa nga kapag nalalaman kong may napipikon sa mga sinusulat ko at least alam kong may nag - uubos ng oras na basahin ang mga gawa ko. hindi nasasayang ang pagod ko. nakakataba ng puso at least talagang alam ko manunulat ako at nag - uubos sila ng oras kahit pa pangit ang review… ayos lang iyon.. sa mga naasar happy new year, sa mga nag - react merry christmas, sa mga natuwa happy rizal day, sa mga nagtanong happy halloween at sa mga gustong mamatay sa inis, eto ang limang piso bile kayo blade maglaslas kayo ng pulso. sagot ko ang kape at biskwit.

When I was in
college, I had this huge circle of friends. I was in first year college then
when I met them. Pretty girls and most
of the guys in the university were very interested to them. I being the boyish and seldom wear make up
was the least to be noticed. Or
sometimes I didn’t even notice at all. Sometimes I felt sorry for myself if they exchanged stories of boys
asking for their numbers, asking them for a date and those boys accompanying
them to their way home. Me, I end up
going home alone. I didn’t mind that though sometimes I asked myself if I was
that ugly that nobody even bothered to ask for my name or why nobody was
interested in me. Until they found their own partners I was left to be alone
though we still chat with each other during class breaks but they prefer to be
with their boyfriends. Until one day one of my girlfriends introduced me to a
guy I instantly fancied right there and then. He was very charming, good
looking, and damn every girl would fell for him. I never thought that he would
be interested in me. Courtship started and we became steady. I thought that was
it. Everyday was like heaven. We had our own partners. I am no longer alone
during my breaks. I have my boyfriend. I considered him to be my first
boyfriend though I had this fling when he came into my life but I never
considered that guy to be a serious one. But the heaven I was experiencing
didn’t last long. I found out that he has a girlfriend and the girl went to our
university. Unexpectedly, he introduced the girl to me as his girlfriend. I
felt the whole world fell over me. Sky went black and there was the
thunderstorm of fire. I was devastated of knowing the truth in that kind of
way. But I remained calm and never fought him. I just smiled, greeted the girl
with a cheap “hi” and a fake smile. After a week he asked for forgiveness and
said if we could start all over again. He told me he already broke up with the
girl. Since I still had the stupid feelings for him, we continued to be in a
relationship. But another devastating episode happened. I found out that one of
my girlfriends has a thing for him and they are exchanging calls every night
without my knowledge. They went out several times. That’s it. I snapped. I
broke up with him the moment I knew about them. I hated the friend I trusted. I
had known her since high school and I never thought that she would do that to
me. After the many battles with my friends because they wanted me to reconcile
with the guy, I remained hard as a stone. I never welcomed him back. I had
enough. I still went out with them during gimmicks and others but I remained
distant to them. It really affected me because I considered him to be my true
love that time though our relationship lasted for only three months. On and off
pa. (and now every time I remember it I wanted to vomit for all my stupidity. Para pala akong tanga noon) my mom never
really liked him from the start. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a mother’s instinct.
They know instantly if a guy really cared for their daughter or not. In his
case, my mother and even my sister disapproved him the moment they saw him and
he was even banned in our house. They told me I will not have a good future
with him. He looked like an easy go lucky kind of guy and others. But I
continued to betray my family. I cut loose from the house every time I had the
chance just to see him. I became a rebel in the family. But after what he did
to me, I realized what my family had told me. They were right after all. They
knew from the start what was right for me. They even disagreed to my friends.
They told me that my so called friends have nothing good to do to me and they
were right. With them I learned to skip and cut classes. I learned how to drink
alcohol and smoke cigarettes I just didn’t do drugs because even some of them
engaged to that. I learned the different styles of how to make “kupit” from
parents though really I never really did that maybe because I just never had
the chance. My payment for my tuition fee was on check because my sister
enrolled me in an educational plan. Though they are really bad influences on
me, still I continue to study. I never had a failing grade when I was in
college. I make it a point that every time I absent from class, I make up for
my loss and I did well during exams. I became distant to them after that. I
became the outcast of the group. I cried several times because I thought I am
all alone. I would see them sitting together and every time I came they would
disappear one by one. I found out that they hate me because they blamed me for
the wreckage of my relationship with their friend. And it became a fact that
they sided with my bitchy pal. That was it. I was alone literally. I eat alone
during breaks, I sit in the middle of the field alone during afternoon breaks
and I go home alone. Though sometimes I pity for myself I became a stronger
individual after that. I learned so many things. That was the time I discovered
the magic of library and the books inside it. On my spare time, I go to the library
to read different kinds of books and that was the time I met a new circle of
friends…

To be continued…